Cathi's Cancer Blog
Having Good Days
It’s been a couple of months after my last post and I’m glad to say I have not been that bummed since. I’m exercising, the weather is nicer, I took a long weekend trip away about a month ago, and I went shopping for new clothes. All of these things helped a great deal. What a high! I have several fun events scheduled over the next 5 months, and that really helps lift my spirits. Also, my husband and I are celebrating our 30 year wedding anniversary the end of September, so we’re taking a week long trip to Savannah, GA. Never been there, but have heard lots of groovy things about it, plus we’re planning to do a whole lot of nothing. Man, can’t wait! I hope with spring here, with the sunshine, flowers, green grass and trees, that everyone can feel good, or at least better. Take care ladies!
In a funk
I haven’t posted in a while, but I’m having a bad day and no one gets it except the ladies on this site. I guess I just need to vent. For some reason, I am feeling sad and depressed today and not sure why. Could be the winter blahs compounding everything. Had my last chemo treatment 7 ½ months ago and you’d think I would be feeling great. After all, what’s there to complain about? I just had a 3 month follow up with my onc doc last week and everything looks and feels good and my CA125 is practically off the charts very low. But, it’s been a year since my surgery (last January), then stupid chemo after that, and I swear I hate what that poison did to me. It has aged me 10 to 20 years, physically, emotionally and mentally. I feel so old, fat, crabby, dumpy, ugly, etc. I know, I know, I’m a whole lot better off than some people, but I’m so sick and tired of waiting to get back to who I was, mentally and physically. Today, I just can’t seem to dig up any positives. I’m sick of no matter what I do (exercise and diet), I just canNOT drop the 15 pounds I picked up shortly after my surgery. I can’t stand to look at myself in a mirror. I’ve bought new clothes over the past few months (I had to due to being too fat to fit into anything else), but everything makes me look frumpy. My post-chemo hair looks dumb. Yes, it’s better than being bald, but it’s such a complete opposite than what I had, and added with the weight gain, it makes me look and feel like I’m 70 years old. I’m 49, but had always looked and felt like I was in my 30’s. My husband is an awesome support, but he just doesn’t understand. I told my doc last week that I’m tired of being grouchy and bitchy toward everyone, and how everyone annoys the hell out of me. He just said “it takes time.” I had always been a happy-go-lucky-girl, full of life and fun and smiles. I’m so sick of hearing “it takes time.” I’m sick of my stomach area near my surgical spot is still numb a year later. I’m told once again, “it takes time” to heal those nerves. I think a vacation away, somewhere sunny and warm, would help at least for a little while, but that’s just not something we can up and do, for financial reasons. Oh, and I have no friends anymore. I can’t depend on my two best friends, I’ve had my whole life, to cheer me up because they haven’t bothered to talk to me since I started my chemo treatments last March. I’m sick of people I work with talking about their vacations and all the fun they have in their lives. If everything is just going to take time, then I’d rather hole up somewhere and sleep through this time I’m supposed to wait out and be patient through. Then I get mad at myself and feel bad for being so petty, but I just can’t help it. I’m done ranting now. Thanks for listening.
I was just getting ready to post something similar. I have guilt because I should feel good about my situation..there are so many other people with cancer and especially on this site who are going through hell and I should be dancing in the streets and I can’t. I hate cancer. I hate what treatment has done for me..and has done to my brain and my thinking. I also have body image problems..I put on 10 pounds with the steroids..especially around my middle and I am having a hard time getting rid of it..I look like my 80 year old mother! I looked at a picture of me and I can’t believe it. My husband put a new mirror in the bathroom and it gets you from the hips up and between my boobs being down around my elbows, my stomach jiggles and hits me in the chin when I move and my hips..and then it added about 10 years to my face..I look like my 80 year old mother!lol….but, not….I should be happy that I am alive..I feel terrible that I don’t feel happy and I live in constant fear dispite prozac and all of the other coping strategies that I try and I hate myself for it!I hate living with the fear! I want to be happy again and do things..I am trying, but, it isn’t easy..I feel whiney..I am thankful..truly thankful..I don’t like waiting for anything..I thought after treatment life would get back to where it was before..sooo sooo wrong! Cancer is a thief…it is alright to rant..it is alright to be angry..my doctor calls is post traumatic stress disorder..I believe it..when you are in treatment you are dealing with the effects of the cancer and the loss of things like hair..etc…after ..there’s the dealing with it and the fall out…trying to put the pieces back together..I hate wasting time waiting…my doctor asked me if I had sexual dysfunction after my treatment ..he said the prozac would help that tooo…I said…look at me! No hair..a body I don’t recognize..a port that sticks out like an on /off button on a dryer why would I have sexual dysfunction..he quickly wrote out the prescription..I think he was in fear of his life..lol! There doesn’t seem to be much help for people after cancer…do you know of any? I hope today brings you more peace…Cancer is a thief..nothing good about it..except for the people you meet and the things you learn along the way..Thanks for your post…
Posted on Hi Cathi:
My confidence and image have also taken a huge hit from this cancer as I have gained 25 pounds due to also having a thyroid problem which they just found after my cancer treatments. I have gained all of this weight without eating and my hair is coming back completely gray (it used to be auburn) and is very coarse—hard to describe but almost feels like wig hair.
To make matters worse my husband (has always been very thin) said a few days ago that I weigh more than him now (he is right). I went to my room and cried.
I guess what I am trying to say is I definitely understand where you are coming from! I am working out every day which definitely helps my frame of mind (although the thyroid problem is still making the extra weight stay put). I have no answers but know looking at old pictures of myself is definitely not a good idea for me right now.
I agree with Eileen about Cancer being a thief and that as grateful as we all are to still be here—it would just be nice if we looked a little more like the person we remember before this whole cancer ordeal began.
The only thing that seems to help me is to laugh about it and make fun of myself—which I am quite good at and it is much easier now that I am a short, stubby, weird haired, older looking woman with no memory to speak of who routinely forgets where she put her glasses and what she was doing five minutes ago.
Hugs and prayers!
Cathy
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